I feel like writing and sharing my heart today. These past couple weeks have been challenging at work, with family and physically. Physically because I did something to my knee a few months ago and it’s been giving me problems ever since. I was told to take Advil and keep it iced when it hurts or if I do too much. I’m sure some is due to my age, as much as I would like to think otherwise. I’m also sure a lot of it is due to my lack of consistent exercise throughout my life.
I am sure this time of year will always have a sadness to it because of losing Phil but this year it’s seemed extra hard. I guess I was hoping by the third year I would feel different than I do. I know the loneliness will always be an underlying feeling but didn’t expect it to be so consuming. I did go see the movie “A walk in the woods” last weekend I could hear Phil laughing and all of his crazy comments. I laughed so hard it felt so good for those few hours.
I do like my job for the most part and it keeps me busy but, I do miss my friends, I miss being around people that know me that know my past, most of all that knew me with Phil. Most of all I’m so thankful for the relationships I have with the Lord because, He helps me face each challenge believing my life will count for something and at some point I will be able to walk out of this battlefield into a place of joy.
I have also been blessed to know a lot of amazing Godly people. Unfortunately I have also kept myself from totally opening my heart, letting down the walls I’ve built because of my own insecurities and hurts. Because of this I have very few friends, real friends. I desperately needed to talk to someone that was not just a surface friend, Someone who really knows me, my heart, my past, my desires, my struggles, what makes me tick. I could only come up with about four people besides my boys. Fortunately I was able to take a long walk with the Lord and pour out my heart. I remember as a child going to the Lord when I needed someone to talk to because there was no one else I could share my hurts. I would go for a long walk, cry and tell everything to the Him. I am so thankful to have learned at a young age how much He cares for me and hears me. He has always been my best friend and He definitely chose the perfect place for us to walks now.
I pray that all of you along with my sons, daughters and grandchildren will have this type of relationship with your heavenly father. For those of you like me, I would like to end this letter with a piece of motherly advice – allow yourself to open your heart and embrace the people God has surrounded you with be it for months or years, allow them to penetrate who you are in this crazy lonely hurting world. I’m going to try!